Despliega tus alas

I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. I woke up singing/thinking this:
“I won’t ever let you let me let you die young”

Okay, you got it out. Can it stop now?

But I can’t sleep.
So hungry, but I can’t eat.
Distraught and exhausted
I just want to lay down my head and dream.

Lovely quotes from freshmen (and probably others) walking back from a night of drinking on DP.

“everybody get NAKEEEEDDD”
(standard)

*car horn*
Girl “no, f*** you!”
Guy “you’re a whore”
Girl “I agree with you!”
(self esteem issues?)

Guy 1: “ow dude I’m sunburnt! Stop touching me”
Guy 2: “I’m gonna tickle you”
(wait…what?)

I’m crawling around inside my own head,
Ripping and tearing my brain to shreds.
Breaking down
The walls of sanity.
I’ll rebuild them tomorrow.

Midnight phone calls alleviate the stresses of the day
Your voice dances in my eardrums, fills my brain, then melts away
The face to face, the summer days, the things that I miss most
I stare at my reflection until I turn into a ghost
I float into my room, shut my eyes, and rest my head
But my mind is racing, contemplating all the words I’ve ever read
I play back all the compassionate (and hurtful) things we’ve ever said
Still, I’m thankful for these moments when I’m reminded I’m not dead

Buddha, Gandhi, and Camus talk about a pacifist state of nonviolence.

The Dalai Lama states that peace is the absence of suffering and problems, which can only be maintained through spiritual practice.  Drengson, in his article about Aikido, the Martial Art of Reconciliation, says that peace is both the absence of violence and the reconciliation of parties in conflict, involving expression and careful listening by both sides.  

Fuller takes a similar approach, stating that peace can only be created out of mutual and universal understanding for all of mankind, stating that it’s “Everybody’s Work.” And Hanh recognizes peace as both a quality and a process—the absence of violence, the cultivation of understanding, insight, and compassion, combined with action (such as mindfulness and the actual practice of peace).

All of these definitions of peace are valid, all of them supported by strong examples.  The philosophy that I align myself most closely with is that of the Dalai Lama.  (We will get into our similarities towards the end, but for now I will explain the background of my idea and a few examples)  Firstly, I believe that peace is a state of harmony and balance.  However, this balance cannot be operationalized, exactly.  But I like to think of it as a balance reached between inner and outer forces.  Whether this is achieved in an atmosphere of calmness and with a an attitude of calmness, or an atmosphere of pure chaos and an inner state of turmoil, or in an atmosphere of chaos with an inner state of calmness…We are all different, and we will feel balance and completeness (could we call this fulfillment?) when this balance has been reached.  For example, I am the kind of person that is at “peace” when I have a lot of things to do.  Or at least I consider it to be that way.  When I am busy, and my external situation is filled with tasks, and problems I have to solve, and my mind is busy, constantly working, I am in my state of peace.  Other people might say that when there are stressful external forces, and their minds are calm and collected, they are content, they are at peace. This, for me, would not be a good balance.  When I am in a peaceful state, all the forces at work outside of my head match the forces within my head, and that is my balance.  The point that I would like to make here is that there is no universal peace, for all humankind.  As there are many ideas listed above by the many different philosophers, people can experience their “peace” in different ways.  To each his own.  There can, therefore, be no exact definition of the state of peace, other than the fact that it is a state, and that it is the personal balance of one’s external forces and internal workings of the mind.  

Secondly, as the Dalai Lama states, to achieve peace, we must practice.  We must be diligent, and we must take the time to create this state of peace in our lives.  This can only come from experience.  Whether it is spiritual practice, practice of another sort, we must consciously make an effort to achieve this balance.

Achieving our own personal state of peace involves three things: effort, mindfulness, and responsibility.  Effort is key.  We must have the motivation and the willpower to experience conflict, work through our problems, and achieve a state of peace.  Without effort, nothing would be set into action.  We have to WANT to achieve this state of peace, and then we have to try.

Mindfulness is awareness. Being aware of yourself and your surroundings will allow you to move through life more easily and find that state of peace more quickly.  While effort motivates us into action, mindfulness keeps us from running around aimlessly in search of peace.  You would be surprised how much you can learn by opening your mind, you can be aware of the entire universe.  This mindfulness or awareness is a key component to pursuing your personal peace.

Finally, there is responsibility.  There is that phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility” (Hey, isn’t that from Spiderman? Yes. Yes it is).  But its true.  Peace is power, and it must be searched for and “used,” so to speak, with responsibility.  When engaging in this search for peace, one must learn to think and act responsibly, to respect others (which I believe is an act of responsibility), and to respect and be responsible for yourself.  One must control and be responsible for the things they do.  One must own their actions, and realize that they are the force that works toward achieving their personal peace.  As Buddha said, “Be a lamp unto yourself” (from Hanh, Creating True Peace).

With effort, we are motivated and we try relentlessly to search for peace.  With mindfulness, we understand what it takes to reach peace, and we are considerate of the world around us in our search.  With responsibility, we own our actions and accept that we are the driving force in our search for peace.  We cannot reach the state of peace without these key components, effort, mindfulness, and responsibility. Three things which must be put into practice every day, in every aspect of life.  Only then can we experience the balance of inner and outer forces.  Only then can we achieve peace.

After contemplating all the possible sentences that can accurately explain what I’m feeling in this moment, I’ve decided…that is it.
It kind of hurt when I ran into it, too ;(

I’m writing this now just in case I get too caught up next week while packing. Tomorrow I am heading off to London, my last trip before I finally return home.  It’s all just happened so very fast. And now I have 8 days left until returning to California.

I’ve been thinking and reflecting all day- about the past 6 months here.  I’m writing it now to keep from crying. Or to induce tears. I’m not sure which one, but I am quite an emotionally sadistic person so I imagine its a mix of the two. Hot, stinging tears, how you plague me during times like these! Let’s hope this ends up being cathartic, though.

I’ll begin with the emotions that were conjured up within me during my first 2 weeks here. I was sad, missing my family, missing Robert, missing the comforts of home, scared that I would not adapt, insanely frightened that I would be misunderstood and not be able to understand the language.  In contrast, today, I am oddly comfortable, which was to be expected, but seemed to be a distant dream to me when I first arrived here.  Today, I find myself able to understand 90 percent of what is said to me on a daily basis. Today, I am able to communicate my thoughts efficiently, causing my roommates only a little agony, as opposed to the large amount of suffering they endured with my broken Spanish in the beginning of the year.  Today, I find that I am home, and that I am going to miss this place dearly.  In fact, I might even miss that uncomfortable and awkward feeling I had in the beginning….  Nah.

Of course, the time here came with its homesickness, its confusion, and its frustration.  But all of these were paired with new friendships, discovery, and happiness.  Over a period of 6 months, I went from being a frightened study-abroad-er(?) with an overwhelming desire to return home on the first flight I could find…to a confident Spanish-speaker with great new friends, two handfuls (not just one!) of wonderful experiences, and a different set of eyes (metaphorically speaking, of course), through which to look at the world.  Rather, it seems that  am looking at the world through a different, more positive filter.  Although my time here was certainly short, compared to those in for the long-haul, I believe I’ve accomplished very much here.  I’ve traveled quite a lot, I’ve maintained pretty good attendance in all of my classes, and I’ve soaked up every bit of Spanish that I could (within reason— abstract concepts needed to be discussed, the meaning of life, etc. For this, we used English. I’m sorry, Paul! I suppose only UCSB-ers will get that).  This experience has even shed some light on future career opportunities, and I have decided that Spanish will be a permanent part of my life, no matter what.  Whether I am teaching it to high school students or adults, using it in the workplace, or conversing with the many people who speak it in Southern California, I will not let that part of my brain turn to mush. Not after this experience.

I would also like to touch on the wonderful friendships I have made here. Without naming names, there are a few people I have met here who have really made a great impression on my mind and heart.  First off, my roommates are fun and charismatic girls who have had so much patience with me, and helped me learn along the way.  I am so lucky to have found this apartment with them.  I can remember making the decision that I was going to live here, and how anxious and nervous I was when accepting the offer, barely able to understand the girl on the other end of the phone.  Now we go to the gym together every once in a while and I am so glad that I can not only call her a roommate, but my friend.  Although I still struggle a bit with the speed of conversation and the Andalusian accent, I have grown to be able to understand them very well, and am grateful for the standard they have set for me for the past 6 months.  I mean, if I can understand this, I might be able to understand anything! Right? ;)  Also, I would just like to say that I believe that EAP brings together such wonderful people, outgoing people, open-minded people.  I am eternally grateful to EAP for bringing such great people from the University of California into my life, and I hope that we remain friends after this experience is over.  Actually, I know that we will.  I wish the best of luck to all of my friends returning to their respective universities for the spring, and especially to those who are continuing their experience in Granada for the rest of the year.  Thank you, to all the wonderful people that I can now call my friends. It’s been fun, and talk to you soon.  Finally, I would like to thank my parents and the rest of my family, without whom this would not have been possible at all.  The financial and emotional support, the heartfelt e-mails, and the general interest in my studies and travels here, has kept me going.  I am so appreciative of everything that you guys do for me.

I am reminded now of a quote I have used in the past:

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn, or consumed.  Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”

I don’t know much about grace, but boy, do I feel loved, and very grateful, in this moment.

Goodnight :)